


But Mostly You

by Cruisinwritealong



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Fluffy Smut, Longing, M/M, Sirius figuring himself out, long distance, smut with feelings, smut with plot, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-18 21:48:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20320024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruisinwritealong/pseuds/Cruisinwritealong
Summary: But mostly there should be Remus. Remus wrapped in his thread-bare robe and fuzzy slippers standing at the stove.





	But Mostly You

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me a comment. I'd love to know your thoughts!
> 
> Thanks to @Kattlupin for the beta and support.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Sirius wakes suddenly from a dreamless sleep. He has not been sleeping well lately, but at least tonight there was no nightmare. He's restless in this big bed by himself. With bleary eyes, he squints at the beam of moonlight streaming in through the gap in the curtains coming straight towards his pillow. He forgot to close them. Again. 

Unbidden, Remus’ face pops vividly into his mind, and he rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling with a sigh. The curtains are Remus' unspoken job. 

_ You never forget to close them. _

Sirius’ mind begins to play back the memory of the last time Remus was in this room. Remus walking over to the window, cracking it open to let the cool night air blow in. Him closing the curtains tight before walking to their dresser to change into pajama bottoms. Him smirking to himself while sliding his feet into soft slippers, them both pretending he doesn’t know that Sirius is checking out his ass. Him asking Sirius if he wants tea before bed. Sirius politely saying, "No thanks, Love," and Remus kissing him gently, thoroughly, with a tight grip on Sirius' hips promising more to come. Him walking out leaving Sirius a bit breathless with wicked anticipation and half a hard-on.

_ I don’t deserve you, but gods do I want you. _

Tonight the room feels wrong, a Remus-sized gap in between the curtains, a Remus-shaped void aching in his chest. Sirius blindly grabs for the pillow next to him and plops it over his face. Remus' scent is faint, but it’s there. He inhales deeply, and he feels his cock stir. He groans and tosses the pillow back to Remus’ side. He runs his hand over the empty sheets.

_I want you here. I want to straddle your hips and run my hands down your chest and feel -_

_“_Dammit_.”_

He rolls away from that train of thought and the sight of the empty bedside. He settles on his other side and closes his eyes attempting to sleep away his heartache and ignore his body's plea for his boyfriend. 

He does not want to deal with an erection right now. Wanking has become somewhat of a disappointing thing lately. Sure, it feels nice in the moment, but afterwards he’s left oddly unsatisfied. It’s annoying the shit out of him.

It’s sinking in more and more that it’s not the physical release that he wants. He's craving the intimacy of staring into warm brown eyes and the caress of large, rough hands. He wants snarky comments and forgotten mugs filled with cold tea all over the flat. He misses the weight of an arm across his side and the warmth of a chest pressed into his back. He craves the loving presence of one specific, unique soul. 

_Hold me and tell me to go back to sleep._

Much too early for Sirius’ liking, he wakes up to a room bright past the point of ignoring as the sunlight aggressively pours into his room. He tosses and turns for god knows how long before finally giving in and sitting up. Forcing his legs over the side of the bed, he shoves his feet into Remus' slippers with a great sigh. They’re too big for him but he doesn’t give a damn. He quickly wraps Remus' robe around himself and ties the middle, thinking it an insulting substitute for a morning embrace. 

_Still not waking up with you. _

He shuffles his feet towards the kitchen in search of a caffeinated beverage, but he has to a stop in the doorway. This sight is all wrong too. He stares around the cold, dark, quiet room. 

_ I can’t wait to have breakfast with you again. You make the best breakfast. _

The kettle should be steaming next to their two mismatched mugs. The eggs and bacon should be sizzling and filling the air with aromas that entice Sirius out of bed. Remus should be asking him to get the toast and jam to the table. There should be soft jazz melodies dancing around the room. But mostly there should be Remus. Remus wrapped in his thread-bare robe and fuzzy slippers standing at the stove.

Sirius watches as his imagination provides the what-should-be-there of Remus. He sees Remus turning from the stove, smirking to find Sirius watching him with desire in his eyes. Sirius would give him a soft, crooked smile and a "Morning Love," before picking up his tea and stealing a quick kiss. He would offer to help with breakfast, but Remus would wave him off, tell him he gets to do the dishes afterwards and fuss at him for not cleaning the pan from dinner the night before. That very pan was indeed dirty, again, and sitting there waiting like a prop in this imaginary play, mocking Sirius from the sink. 

_ Come fuss at me Remus. _

“I miss you” plays like a song stuck in his head on loop. He does his best to distract himself from it, this feeling, this longing which fills up his chest, but nothing quite quenches it.

It’s a two-fold dilemma for him too. He knows he loves him, so of course he misses him. But the intensity of his emotions is also bothering him. He’s never felt incomplete like this before. 

He’s been with Remus in one form or another for the majority of his life, but he’s always prided himself on his independence, on being just fine on his own no matter what life throws at him.

Even very young he was his own person, head-strong, self-sufficient through and through. He survived in an insane house growing up. After he ran away he kept himself protected and secure, basically living on his own since he was 15. He built his walls high and strong. Only now instead of feeling protected by them, he just feels isolated, lonely. 

Remus has never pushed for more from him, always letting Sirius open up at his own pace. It's one of the reasons they work, one of the reasons he loves Remus so much. 

_ I didn’t know. I didn’t know how much you grounded me. Jesus, I'm a selfish fuck._

He knew years ago that living together was basically inevitable. They were too good together, brilliant even, not to at least try. He’s always acknowledged that they’re way beyond simply dating, but he never wanted to think through labeling it all before. Now it seems like he can think of nothing else but Remus and him. What they are. What he wants them to become.

Tasting life without Remus has solidified something in his heart and mind. Remus is where he wants to spend the rest of his life.

_You're it for me Remus._

And as he wrestles with himself, he realizes that he’s never actually said these things aloud to Remus. He’s never allowed his words, himself, such vulnerability. 

_That ends now._

He turns to go get his phone, but stops. This idea, this confession, it holds such significance to Sirius that he feels like it must be said face to face, not over the phone, even over a video call. It’s too important to him, to them, and he wants more than anything to look Remus in his eyes when he finally, finally lets him all the way in. 

_ No more walls, Remus. _

Remus isn’t there, and he hasn't been for almost five months. Sirius knows how important this semester exchange program is to Remus, and he fully supports his boyfriend. He agrees completely that this chance for Remus to study abroad with his mentors is too much of an opportunity to pass up. And of course Sirius completely understands Remus wanting to spend the breaks with his parents since he’s only a short train ride away from them while he’s there. Of course Sirius understands, he does… 

It’s just that he's so used to Remus' presence, so accustomed to reaching out and finding the warmth of skin, the comfort of a smile. A jumper, a mug, an open book. The absence of them, of _him_, is jarring. 

They have such an easy, established rhythm, and without it Sirius finds himself floundering in a way that caught him off guard. He has no idea when he became so dependent on his boyfriend’s presence. Remus has just always been there, since they were children. It's a fact of life in Sirius' world - Remus Lupin on his left, James Potter on his right.

It occurs to him that he's never really thought it through before. He always wants Remus and James by his side, but he never let himself consider that he actually _needs_ them there.

He's always been so certain of himself - an entrepreneur, blazing his own trail, doesn't need anybody, make it all on his own kinda guy. All this time he felt content just cruising along, drinking beer with his best friend, fucking the guy he loves, building his own kingdom. But with Remus gone he’s had the time and space to finally see - it’s become quite clear to him now - he’s desperately craving not just sex, not just fun times with Remus, but a whole life, a forever home.

Here he was thinking that living together was convenient for sex. And all this time it was something so much bigger, so much more. 

_ Mr. Independent indeed. I haven’t made a move without Remus since I was 12. I’m so full of shit. _

The days without Remus are long. His body has begun to physically hurt from the overwhelming longing for his boyfriend. Texts, video chats, phone calls, even letters, are all wonderful, and he’s glad for them, but they do not fill the hole inside him. He feels empty, raw, and coiled tight inside himself. 

He does his best to go about his usual routine, a life that he knows he loves, but it begins to feel hollow, half complete. The independence he once prided himself on no longer fits. He isn’t a solo act anymore. He’s realizing now, he never actually was. 

_ Help me Remus, I’m such an idiot. But I’m damn sure you already know that. _

Most days he goes to work and does his job, then spends his evenings having dinner with James and Lily, playing with Harry, and helping with bedtime. A few evenings he and James sneak out to the pub. It fills his time up for the most part, and he’s constantly grateful for his chosen family. 

_ How do you feel about us becoming a family someday Rem? Harry could have a cousin. _

_I wonder if I’ll ever have the balls to ask you. _

This morning, as he looks out from the kitchen doorway and thinks back over these last few months, he’s struck by all the beautiful daily ways, both large and small, that Remus enriches his life. Remus makes him see himself in a brand new way and come out the better for it.

_ You make me a much better man._

His mind bombards him daily with the Remus-shaped holes all around, and the empty, dark kitchen is just the latest in a long line. 

"Morning Baby," he says to the room as he flips on the lights. He starts the kettle, pulls out only one mug, and then turns to the calendar to mark another X across another day.

Four more days. Only four more X’s and Remus will be home. He sighs at the empty squares spanning in between his new X and the square with Remus' flight information.

_ Four more days. I can do this. If it makes him happy, I’ll do anything. _

He looks around the untidy kitchen as he eats his toast. He starts to scheme as he drinks his tea. Impulsively he decides to spend the next few days cleaning and organizing their space, making every effort to clearly communicate to Remus just how much their home means to him. He decides Remus will come home to a spotless apartment, and Sirius will welcome him with kisses, all the while professing his undying love and gratitude. ...And then maybe get some therapy for codependency. But for now, he sets his sights on the dishes. 

As he’s drying the last dish, he hears the front door rattle open and thud closed. 

“What the fuck?” 

He sets the plate and towel down on the counter, and turns to the hallway to investigate. He takes a few steps before he stops short, frozen in his tracks.

He feels blindsided, like the wind has been forcefully knocked out of him. He can’t seem to find a clear thought. He stands there slack-jawed and speechless, blinking in disbelief because there, right there, is Remus.

_ Holy. Shit. _

“H-How? But you don’t…” he whispers, “Oh my, my god. Oh my god!” he gapes and stutters out. 

He had been imagining himself running and jumping into Remus’s arms at the airport. He was going to bring flowers and a sign and embarrass the shit out of him. He was going to snog him right there in baggage claim for everyone to see. He had a whole goddamn plan, and now that Remus is less than ten feet away, he can’t seem to make himself move at all. They stand on opposite sides of the room, staring hard, drinking in the sight of each other.

Sirius’ mind is short-circuiting. He is a living juxtaposition. Outside his body is rigid still, but inside he’s like a puppy that hasn’t seen his human in weeks, all tail wagging, spinning around, jumping up and down because he can’t contain his excitement.

_ Remus is here_. _ Remus is here! REMUS IS HERE! _

Remus is _ right _ there, and he’s tall and tan and looks a bit tired but mostly just _fucking gorgeous_, with his eyes blazing and consuming every inch of Sirius’ body. Sirius is sure he is melting into a puddle right there on the kitchen floor. Or maybe he’s caught fire. He can’t be sure and he doesn’t even care because Remus is home.

“You’re here… How are you here?” He tries again.

Remus doesn’t say a word, just stands stock still for a moment longer, blinks, and then takes four deliberate strides across the room and kisses the hell out of Sirius’ mouth, arms circling his waist and almost picking him up off the floor. Their moans harmonize and break the silence. Sirius stands on his tiptoes, clinging to Remus’ neck and shoulders, trying to anchor to something as he is flooded with sensation and emotion. Then Remus is walking them backwards towards their bedroom, refusing to stop the kissing for silly things like air and watching where he’s going. 

They turn into the room and Sirius feels his back hit the wall. Remus’ hands seem everywhere all at once. He does his best to just kiss Remus back and breathe.

Remus whips off Sirius’ shirt and presses their hands to the wall high above Sirius head, before leaning down to devour his collarbone, his neck, his jawline. Sirius tilts his head, pants, allows himself to be consumed. 

“Fuck Remus.”

Remus pulls back and stares into Sirius’ eyes as he slides his hands down the length of Sirius’ arms, across his chest, down below his stomach. Sirius bites his lip and holds Remus’ stare. The air becomes electric and Sirius feels his arms sink down to fold on top of his own head without consulting his brain.

Remus tears open the knot on Sirius’ pajama pants, then in one motion, yanks them to the floor and drops to his knees.

“Shit!” Sirius yells as Remus’ mouth closes around his erection. Sirius grabs his own hair painfully to steady himself. His head is spinning and his body is in overdrive. A few shallow bobs from Remus and he is a panting, sputtering mess. He squeezes his fists repeatedly as Remus bobs become deeper, then he knocks his head back against the wall.

“Ba-baby. I can’t - you have to stop. It’s too much and I w-want to - _ shit Remus _ \- You have to fuck me!”

Remus stands and kisses him as he walks them backwards a few steps. It’s messy and hungry. Remus breaks the kiss, spins Sirius around, and presses his shoulder blades down to bend him over the foot of their bed. Sirius is completely naked and he isn’t sure that Remus has even taken off his shoes yet.

_Fuck, that’s hot._

Sirius’ cock pulses with want and anticipation.

He feels a quick, insistent press on his back. He knows enough that Remus means “Stay.”

_As if there’s anywhere else on the planet I want to go. _

And then Remus is gone. The air in the room chills his overheated skin. He uses this moment to try and catch his breath, focusing on the sounds of Remus moving around the room for supplies.

_ Holy Fuck. He’s home! He's here. Stay. Stay. _

And stay he does, practically vibrating with anticipation, attempting not to explode with joy, hoping this is not just some wonderfully concocted dream.

An appreciative moan comes from behind him. It’s a low, long, hungry sound that shivers down the length of Sirius’ spine and hardens his cock beyond what he thought possible. 

“Baby please. I missed you so much. I -,” Sirius barely gets the words out before he hears a zipper and clothing fall to the floor. His heart races as large, familiar hands smooth down his sides, down to grip his hips, and lower still to grab his arse and spread him open. Then the familiar pop of a cap.

That moan comes again. The fact that he can make Remus make _that_ sound? He thinks he might be flying.

He’s impatient to the point of begging. No where in him does he care. 

“Please Remus. Please. Missed you. N-oh _shit_.” 

A slick finger presses its way inside and out repeatedly with expert skill. It isn’t long before there are two and then three. Remus fucks him with his fingers for longer than necessary causing Sirius to moan and squirm and curse. Sirius both loves and hates that Remus knows exactly what to do to his body to make him lose his goddamn mind. He’s so swept up in all the sensations that Remus is causing over and over that he’s disoriented, involuntarily crying out in confusion when the fingers abruptly disappear.

Remus presses his hand down on Sirius’ shoulder blades in reassurance. Sirius stills and pants. He hears the slick of lube, feels Remus line himself up. He takes a deep breath in.

_Oh. Fuck. Yes_.

Then both men are moaning out in relief and pleasure as Remus presses his cock inside of Sirius in one long, slow, steady glide, as deep as he can possibly go. They hold there fighting for every centimeter of connection - Remus pressing his hips forward, Sirius pressing his ass backwards.

_ Finally. Finally whole. _

Sirius is completely undone. Of all the countless times they have fucked or made love or anything in between, this time feels profoundly different. He can’t focus long enough to think through why. His only thought is _ Remus. _He has to touch him, so he flings his hands back to grab as much of Remus’ thighs as possible. 

“M-move Love. Go.” 

Remus begins to thrust with short, small bursts but they accelerate and deepen quickly. Remus is apparently not feeling patient enough for slow or gentle and Sirius is relieved. He wants Remus to devour him. He wants to feel this in his bones, wants to relive this for days. He swings his arms back around to brace himself on the bed.

Remus seems as desperate and hungry as Sirius feels. He digs his fingers into Sirius’ hips and begins fucking Sirius like it’s the only thing keeping them alive. He grasps Sirius body like a lifeline.

He changes his angle to thrust in the way he knows will hit Sirius’ prostate over and over and over.

The room is a symphony of skin slapping, furniture knocking, moaning pants, and cries of pleasure. It builds and grows to the inevitable crescendo.

“Fuck. Fuck! Oh _ Fuck_! Remus FUUUCK!” And then Sirius is cumming, crying out, eyes squeezed shut and a white knuckle grip on the rumpled sheets.

Remus presses in and in and in until he too is shaking and gasping out “S-Sirius! Ooh gods _ Sirius_! NNGGH!” 

They still, both panting hard for a few moments before Remus slips himself gently out. He wraps his arms around Sirius’ waste, draping himself over Sirius’ back, and just holds him as they both come back down to earth.

_Love_.

Sirius focuses on the breath puffing against the nape of his neck, the security in the arms around him, the expanse of warm skin across his back, and he tries to calm his racing heart. 

_ Home. _

Remus helps him climb onto the bed and then collects a warm washcloth and cleans them up. He climbs in next to Sirius, settling him back in his arms. Sirius lays his head on Remus’ shoulder and his whole body rejoices with relief and comfort. He realizes suddenly that he’s emotional enough that he’s about to cry.

“Surprise,” Remus finally says causing Sirius to bark out a shaky, tearful laugh.

“Surprise he says.”

Remus wipes the tear that slipped down Sirius’ cheek. Sirius sees the tenderness and the confusion in Remus’ eyes. He’s never been openly emotional like this after sex. 

“Dammit Remus, you know I hate surprises,” he jokes to break the tension.

“Excuse me, it didn't seem like you hated that one very much. Especially that last part."

“Ok, _fine_. No, no I did not hate that... _ at all_. Stop looking so smug!”

Remus laughs and Sirius is overjoyed.

“In fact I fucking needed that, Remus. You have no idea. Remind me to thank you when I can feel my legs again.”

“I missed you so much Love,” he says chuckling and pressing a kiss to Sirius’ hair.

They are still for several minutes, just breathing, holding each other in the peaceful quiet, simply enjoying the intimacy of having each other near again. 

Remus tucks a stray piece of hair behind Sirius’ ear, fingers lingering on his cheek.

The safety, vulnerability, and love of this moment is profound to Sirius. He breathes in deeply, committing it to memory. It compels him to break the silence.

He knows he must speak up now. He desperately wants Remus to know. That Remus deserves to know. That it’s long overdue.

“Remus,” he shifts to make sure they are looking into each others eyes, “I’m so in love with you.”

“I love you too, Babe,” he says tucking some more of Sirius’ hair behind his ear.

“What I’m trying to say is, I - I’m so, so thankful for you. You’re everything to me, do you know that? It took me too long to say, but I’m saying it now. You’re my home, my life. I know I said before that I needed _that_, and I did, but ...Remus, all I really need ...is you,” he shrugs, “Turns out I’m pretty lost without you.”

“Wait. Mr. Sirius conquer-the-world-on-my-own Black? Where’s my boyfriend? Who are you?”

“Shuuut up. I’m trying a new look, alright? It’s a ‘spend my life focusing on one amazing man’ sort of thing. A love and be loved aesthetic.”

“Is that right?" he smiles.

"Yes. Definitely," he smiles back.

"Well, it looks damn good on you.”

“Course it does,” he says with a cheeky smile. Remus simply rolls his eyes and smiles.

“And um, I was thinking, maybe someday, I could be Mr. Sirius conquers-the-world-with-his-_partner_ Black. ...Maybe even, Mr. Sirius needs-his-...husband ...Black.”

“...Oh.”

Sirius swallows hard, “Yeah, you know. Someday.”

There’s a pause where Remus turns his head, stares at the ceiling, bites at his bottom lip. Sirius’ stomach drops and he’s about to apologize when Remus turns back and speaks.

“Well, I’m pretty partial to Mr. Sirius loves-his-husband _ Lupin _myself.”

Sirius laughs, “Oh, I’m gonna rock that look!” 

“Yes Love," Remus laughs and pecks his lips, "Yes, you definitely will.”

“Welcome Home Remus,” he says with another kiss.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

**_The Next Morning** _

Soft jazz notes fill the air, punctuated by the sound of bacon frying up. Remus pokes his head through kitchen doorway to holler down the hall towards their bedroom.

“Babe, you want some eggs? The bacon is almost done!”

Sirius doesn’t answer, but he does sit up. He waits...

“Goddammit Sirius! How hard is it to clean a fucking pan?!”

Sirius smiles to himself as he walks over and opens up the curtains.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Will write for comments and love.


End file.
